KEEPING YOUR HEAD ABOVE WATER
WHY SUBMERGING OUR FEELINGS BITES US IN THE BUTT
Growing up with a pool in our backyard was magical, and made our house the place to be. Some days we just floated around and talked with friends, fingers and toes turning into raisins. Other times we hosted full on battles, resulting in deflated floatation devices.
One day in particular we must have been feeling extra competitive. With every “I bet you can’t do this,” or “Try this” we egged each other on.
The ladder to our above ground pool was six feet tall and shaped like an ‘A.’ We could move it around the perimeter wherever we needed in order to make it fit into our plotlines and obstacle courses. The plastic rungs descended all the way to the bottom of the pool and set the scene for a perfect acrobatic challenge.
My small-framed sister had mastered the skill of swimming through the lowest rung of the ladder. Accepting her challenge, we all followed her lead and tried the trick. We nailed it. Next she swam through the bottom rung, circled back around the ladder and through the middle rung. We all did the same. This went on for some time until finally she severely upped the ante.
Facing the ladder from the middle of the pool, Renee swam over the top rung that rested just barely below the water, and flipped around it with ease. Boy, she looked like a Cirque du Soleil acrobat as she effortlessly slid back to her starting position.
Needing to defend my honor against my younger sister, I agreed to try next. I charged at the ladder, making sure to get enough momentum. Diving over the first rung, I tucked my knees and came to a startling halt halfway through the flip.
While my sister and her petite build slipped through the ladder no problem, my wider-set “early bloomer” hips wedged themselves securely above the water, making it impossible for my body to complete the flip. With my haunches lodged in the air, my head was submerged underwater. Every time I tried to reverse my body, the second rung of the ladder hit the base of my skull and kept me helplessly trapped.
At first I put up quite the fight, thrashing in every direction and trying to shake myself loose. As I panicked, I heard my sister and our friends laughing above water. They hadn’t figured out what was happening yet. Fairly quickly I accepted that no amount of adrenaline would free me. I had the thought, “Wow, so this is how it ends- butt on full display above the water.” Certain I was going to die, I felt a bright and peaceful light descend on me. I hoped my family would eventually laugh about this, and I let out a few final bubbles.
BELOW THE SURFACE
There’s a big difference between what happens below the surface and what others can see, especially when it comes to emotions. Big emotions originate from within, but sometimes they don’t always make it to the surface. Many of us do our absolute best to keep them submerged, hidden underneath.
The year after my assault, I felt bigger emotions than I knew what to do with. What’s more, I hadn’t even given myself permission to feel anything- I still wasn’t convinced what happened to me warranted feelings of any kind.
I handled these emotions by stuffing them down with any substance I could. It worked for a little bit, but eventually only created more problems, more emotions. Below the surface I was thrashing around, and many of the people around me were carrying on as though there was nothing wrong.
Numbing out turned to stuffing down turned to running away. When anger and frustration kicked in, I vacated my body. I was convinced these black outs were going to destroy my life and my relationships. Wow, so this is how it ends.
A FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY
When I finally stopped struggling, the others in the pool took notice of my eerie stillness. Something was certainly wrong. Hands pulled at my hips, pushed on my head, and stretched me every direction in order to free me from this tangled emergency. Time was running out, and little to no progress had been made.
Finally, the smallest of us all hopped out of the pool, hulked at the ladder with her full body weight, and managed to tip it at an angle. She grunted and hoisted the whole ladder, me included, out of the water.
Though I had finally reached a deceptively calm state underwater, the minute I surfaced, I desperately gasped for air. Wheezing and coughing, I made a huge commotion. My friends worked together to pull the rest of the ladder out of the pool.
See that’s the thing- when we hold our feelings and big emotions under the surface, we can get lulled into a false sense of security. The feelings seem to dim down and we think it means they’ve gone away. But really, like a buoy, the longer and farther down they’re held, the more explosive they pop up.
THE HELP OF OTHERS
When I made it out of the water, I could breathe, but I was still tangled. Freeing me required the help of others. They could see what I couldn’t, and guided my limbs out of their trap, encouraging me I would not be stuck forever.
If you are stuffing your feelings down, running from them, or have been lulled into believing they’ve disappeared, might I suggest you check in on them? Pinning them under the surface might feel like a solution, but oftentimes it’s only a matter of time before they explode and bite you in your butt (which by that time might even be on full display!).
Find a therapist, a trusted friend. Bring your tangled mess above water, and let a trusted guide help you untangle it.
Your feelings may feel bigger than you, but they don’t have to stay that way forever.
This doesn’t have to be how it ends.
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