Fine, thanks
Books and therapy told me the goal was “integration.” I often questioned how this would impact my bursts of anger, increasing relational anxiety, and constant status of “on the verge of tears.”
Dogpiling Pain
It felt like I was being asked to move away from the distractions keeping me afloat in exchange for a more tempered (read as *sad*) life. I had been trying to avoid this!
But here’s the truth: life carries on regardless of our pain. Yes, I was fine... for a while. And then over time I found myself confronted by dogpiling pain. It wouldn’t quit! Some of these additional traumas were because life can be a real beezy. But while I didn’t realize it at the time, an honest inventory eventually revealed I caused a good deal of my pain too.
start small
I now understand I was living out a textbook trauma response in recklessly choosing to get high at Bible College instead of accepting the concern of my friends. All I knew then was I was in my twenties, and the wheels were already falling off.
But it felt like a lot of work to crawl out of the layers of this pain. So I started small. I looked for easy ways to add meaning to the ordinary happenings of my life. I did this to keep from tapping out, but it had another surprising effect. These anchoring stories helped me lean out of my pain and into my present.
THREATENING THE BALANCING ACT
Diving into our experiences can feel like a threat to what we have going- our balancing act. I would argue, however, it actually helps stabilize and preserve the good parts of us, the parts that know how to identify pain in others and respond with compassion.
Eventually my fog began to lift, and rather than sinking into my own black hole at the mention of another’s pain, I felt inclined to comfort and connect with others feeling this same estrangement.