The Fix-Her-Upper
Transformation You Don’t See
We’ve moved into a moderate fixer-upper. We could change absolutely nothing and be more than comfortable. That being said, the Imagineer in me sees all kinds of upgrades we could make, and I want to tackle them all. But each project takes time, energy, money- it takes patience, and who under the age of sixty’s got that?
The reality is my house won’t be the way I envision it by tomorrow afternoon. I understand this on some level (though part of me still sincerely thinks I could transform it by the end of the week if I really wanted to).
I’m actually capable of accomplishing a ton in a short amount of time. When I can act on an idea immediately, I knock it out in record time. But if I have to wait, save up, and add it to the list, I lose interest within a matter of weeks. It’s not cute to admit, but if I can’t change it now, it rarely feels worth it to wait for the slow steady transformation.
SILLY FUTURE THINGS
This would be a great time to mention just how differently my husband functions. He’s more of a “little at a time” kind of guy. What’s more, he would be perfectly fine living the rest of his life with nothing but his backpack and an Oculus.
The changes I want to make to the house are of little to no importance to him. Similarly the changes he says we “need” to make and that are apparently “necessary” have no real appeal for me.
Why? Because there would be no visual transformation to dote on and show off! Instead his changes just impact little things like the electricity bill or future termite damage. You know, silly future things. This is why the tasks I want to do to make the house Pinterest worthy are reasonably and reluctantly bumped to the bottom of the list.
THE LIST
Speaking of- let’s talk about that list. I was blown away at the difference between the contributions my husband and I made to our project list.
My List:
paint the house a fresh new color
add crown molding
stencil paint the weird bathroom tile
Gage’s List:
put insulation in the attic
seal off a few corners where moisture can get in
replace the locks
Listen- you and I both know which ones are the most important *eye roll*. They’re also the ones that have less immediate gratification.
Recently I’ve been experiencing a similar tension with my healing journey too.
NO ONE BUT US
I want to look good on the outside. I want to be slower to anger, less obviously triggered, and come across more spiritually secure. I want there to be a quick and painless process with an immediate and visible change.
But the project list to accomplish these goals includes things like:
Exploring wounds from the patriarchal church
Learning how my body communicates that it’s rattled
Creating new brain synapses and emotional patterns
These are internal “fix-her-uppers.” They’re not quick, easy or fun. They are, however, essential and will make the other more visible fixes possible, and most importantly, sustainable.
Sometimes we have to do the grunt work that no one will see but us. We have to get into the attic, change the hardware, and clean out the cracks.
This is hard, thankless, slow, trying, invisible, frustrating and seemingly ineffective work that changes a life. Actually it changes several lives. In the same way we pass on our trauma, we pass on our healing.
Maybe you’re just beginning to acknowledge what happened to you. This is a disorienting space. The long game looks exhausting and realistically you need things to change now.
Maybe you’ve been on the healing circuit for decades and you wish you looked differently than you do. That’s understandable, I feel this way often.
The truth is we will not look the way we want to overnight. The changes and the healing we’re tackling may not result in the obvious external transformations we’re hoping for. But that doesn’t mean transformation isn’t happening.
Just wait. When you see that energy bill or the termites never come, you’ll know that it was all worth it.
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It’s hard to see where we’re going if we don’t know where we’re coming from. Here is a list of resources (click here) that has helped me to identify areas where I can grow on my trauma journey. It might be helpful for you too!
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