SO MISUNDERSTOOD
When Misunderstanding is Betrayal
Have you ever had a question or a topic pop up repeatedly in your life? Maybe you read about something, then a random person brought it up to you, and then you overheard some people talking about it in line at Starbucks. When that happens to me I can’t help but think, I better pay attention to this!
For me the question that has popped up in a number of recent settings is, what bothers you most? My sister-in-love, Lendi, was just in town, and we got to talking about the Enneagram and personality types over gumbo. She posed this question: is the offense that each person deems most “unforgivable” tied to our personality type or Enneagram number?
When it comes to superlatives, I have a hard time identifying things- favorites, worsts, most impactful, most frustrating. However, as we talked through murder, snitching and lying, it became clearer what injustice bothers me most. Being misunderstood.
WHAT I HATE
I hate when someone is misunderstood and as a result experiences unjust consequences and repercussions. I feel sick to my stomach when someone is treated unfairly because their circumstance is misinterpreted or they’re not given a chance to explain what’s actually happening.
Even worse, I am deeply upset when they’re given the chance to explain themselves, but they don’t, either because they can’t or they won't. A deeply unsettling example of this is the story The Count of Monte Cristo. In this gravely emotional drama, an innocent man is wrongly imprisoned and betrayed by those around him. Locked away, he is not given a voice to defend himself or explain to those he left behind what truly happened. These stories light a fire within me.
I was also recently asked on a podcast interview why I have decided to write about sexual assault. It’s obviously not an easy topic, one that is so very risky. What a fantastic question! What in the hell am I doing?! *smiles, winks, laughs nervously*
It dawned on me that the answer to both of these questions: what bothers you most & why do you write about sexual assault, is actually the same. I hate when people are misunderstood by others.
But more importantly, I hate when we misunderstand ourselves. I hate when this misunderstanding of self leads us to therefore betray ourselves.
MISUNDERSTANDING & BETRAYAL
One of the most confusing parts about experiencing sexual assault or big “T” Trauma is a physical change happens to our nervous system that deeply impacts us, while also blinding us to the impact it’s had. What an ironic coping strategy that can feel like an unfair imprisonment of its host. Rarely are we given an easily accessible and long-term road map to understanding our trauma- what’s happening to us, why we’re acting certain ways or feeling certain things.
When we misunderstand ourselves we may unfairly accuse ourselves. These deprecating and shame-filled accusations chop our healing off at its knees. Some examples include unfortunately enticing self-talk like: how could you let this happen to you, it’s partly your fault, why didn’t you stop it, you’re just one of those girls, you’re so emotional, life is always going to be harder for you because there’s something wrong with you. We betray ourselves because of our inability to make sense of what’s happening. When we don’t understand, we are ineffective in defending ourselves against our own accusations and the accusations of others.
UNDERSTANDING OURSELVES
I had many friends who were frustrated by my behavior after the assault. I was acting recklessly, making “bad choices,” escaping with substances and lashing out in new and undoubtedly off-putting ways. I fielded distrust and disapproval from those impacted by my behavior and also, maybe even most scathingly, from within. I can’t tell you how many times I cried myself to sleep on our living room couch or wept in the shower without any full thoughts or explanations for why. I just felt deeply betrayed and misunderstood with virtually no ability to make sense of it all for myself or others.
Can you imagine what would happen if we all had a base understanding of trauma and trauma responses before we needed it? Not to diagnose and label people and situations that are nuanced and need to be carefully handled. But rather so that at the very least we all could have vocabulary and contexts to ask better questions, find appropriate resources and advocate for ourselves and others.
This is why I write from the ground level about trauma responses. Because many of us experience things we didn’t ask for, but now it is our responsibility to live with it and manage it. When we do not understand ourselves, we go on perpetuating pain in our lives and in the lives of those around us.
But when we start to unlock some of these mysteries unfairly imprisoning us, we are given tools to catalyze healing in our own lives. That is certainly contagious too.
I’ve made a list of content (books, movies, podcasts) that have depicted my experience in helpful and illuminating ways. If you’re curious and want to understand yourself and others better, feel free to download it for yourself (click here). If there are other resources you have found helpful on your healing journey, please share them with me! In my opinion we can never know too much.
So cheers to understanding ourselves all the better. After all, knowledge is power and we are all entitled to that.
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