I’m Charissa*, & I am the happiest angry person you’ll ever meet.
*pronounced fittingly like ‘charisma’ without the ‘m’
If your perception of me is that I’m funny, bubbly, and positive, you’re not wrong!
But also.
I’ve punched through more than one wall in my lifetime, and I’ve even cussed out a cocktail server because I was told I “couldn’t sit there” (yipes!). There are reasons for this anger, but what’s more, there are reasons for this seemingly inconsistent personality.
When we experience trauma, our brains engage in a version of extreme compartmentalization. We subconsciously exile our pain so we can carry on.
IS THIS NORMAL?
But then we make it through the traumatic event, we “survive” (so to speak), and we end up the life of the party who can’t get out of bed. The person who helps others see the positive in life, but cries the whole drive home because life is hopeless. Sound familiar?
The more I experienced my perceived hypocritical behavior, the more I paid attention to the why behind it. Were my responses “normal” for someone who had experienced sexual assault? Was I the only one having rage blackouts? Was it strange I couldn’t remember a few years there in the middle, or the details of such a defining and impactful event?
REASONABLY UNREASONABLE
I had a feeling I was onto something, that there was actually a reason behind my unreasonable reactions. I needed to figure it out. My pain was leaking all over my life, and I was accidentally sabotaging my relationships- again.
But my experience wasn’t exactly dinner table conversation, so I fed my isolation and starved my vulnerability by scouring the impersonal internet for resources. I learned about the book The Body Keeps the Score. It was so impactful, but it took me two years to get to page 43. Where were the funny and digestible anecdotes that made me feel less crazy and more human?